The past couple of years have been a purposeful seclusion for me. A move to an island then to a relative’s house and working second shift then back to an island again. I have spent countless hours alone. Time spent in deep self reflection, asking questions, learning to be comfortable with myself… and too many hours watching over produced reality television shows.

Like many, at the beginning of the pandemic, I found myself in an inner crisis. In normal conversation, I could speak as if everything was going as well as it could be given the circumstances. In deeper conversations, I found myself stuttering and unable to form sentences; at times, taking a few minutes to form only a few words. This continued for a number of months.

I have dealt with mental health issues before, but this felt different. I was being silenced for a reason. I sensed I needed to fight for my faith because I was quickly losing it.

From March 9 to June 5, 2020, I read a verse or two from when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, then I waited in silence. An hour a day for eighty-eight continuous days. What I thought was a simple image on the first depicting my current circumstances flowed into the next day and the days following forming a full storyline. Some days my time ended with anger, others indifference, others in tears and others at peace. And what I thought was one storyline turned into three.

I have been wondering what to do with all that He showed me. For the past three years, I have kept it close. Close to ponder, reflect time and time again and understand just a fraction of what it meant to be in Gethsemane.

This past Saturday evening, I saw The Chosen in theaters. On my way there, I cried. In the theater, I cried. And, on the way home, you guessed it, I cried. And each day since then when I pause to think about Jesus tears come to my eyes.

This week, I’ve been reminded of what it means to love the Lord with all your whole body, mind and soul. And to find healing in each of those parts. Testimonies are meant to be shared and at times with more detail than others.

In March 2023, three years from the start of those visions I will start sharing the journey I went on, what it meant for me to fight for faith and to wake up to love again.